Socratic Life

What does it take to make a good communicator and why would we want to put so much effort into improving on something that seems so difficult?

As I was thinking about this question and really trying to answer it for my self, I wrote down all of the blocks or internal inhibitors that I use that we discovered in Interpersonal Communication Inhibitors and came to the conclusion that not only do I use a few of these blocks but use all of them at one time or another. Immediately after I posted the Interpersonal Communication Inhibitors article, someone that I am very close to actually emailed me and asked if I wrote it with them in mind. The point is that with all of the roles that we play in this life chances are that we touch on all of the internal inhibitors at some point or another. Some more than others, but all of them at one time or another.

I would challenge you to take the list of internal inhibitors and write down the ten roles that you play the most and leave some space under each that you can write down each of the inhibitors that you use under each role. It may surprise you how often you use them.

It isn’t that you should dwell on how often that you use these blocks in your communication or how detrimental they can be, but it is necessary to look at how often we use them to show what a huge improvement a little bit of work in our Interpersonal communication can bring. There are a few skills that we can be aware of that when applied to the interpersonal communication model will make a very large difference in the way that we communicate, our relationship to others and the positive influence that we have on those around us.

We can look at the example of the Circle of Influence to help us better illustrate this point. As we increase our power of positive influence, the circle of influence expands. Starting with our own self mastery and moving out to our spouses, children and families and then out to our churches, communities and the world. If we rely on anger and negative influence in our relationships within our circle they will no longer listen and push back as we try to communicate. If however, we learn the skills of positive influence and communicate with sincerity, compassion and service our relationships will get better and the people around us will open up to our positive influence. Not only will we have more people in our circle but we will have more power of positive influence with the people in it.

Effective communication involves achieving our goals in a way that maintains and develops trust in the relationship that it occurs. To increase our communication competence and increase our circle of positive influence we have to achieve a goal and generate trust.

Active Listening VS Expressing

What can we expect to learn that will increase our objective of enlarging our circle of positive influence and increase the positive power therein? What should we expect to learn about communication that will hone our skills and enable us to overcome some of the internal inhibitors that we use when we feel threatened while communicating?

We are going to want to take a look at some of the definitions that were listed in the interpersonal communication model and try to increase our understanding and competence of them.

Starting with the sender and receiver in the communication model, In order to have interpersonal communication we have to have people. During most communication sessions we are both a sender and a receiver. As we look specifically at these two roles we will want to break them apart from each other so that we can understand them individually. They will be broken down and labeled with the actions of Active Listening and Expressing.

Active Listening

There are 2 parts of active listening.

Paraphrasing

Paraphrasing means to repeat back in your own words what someone has just said.  You may not need to include everything that they have said. You can keep a mental note of the bullet points that you think the other person is trying to communicate and then repeat them back when you think you have a good grasp on what they are saying. Let’s look at 5 things that paraphrasing does.

1 ) People really appreciate being listened to

2 ) Helps diminish anger and cools us down when we are flooding

3 ) Cuts down on miscommunication

4 ) Assists listeners in remembering what was discussed

5 ) When you paraphrase you will feel less like using the internal inhibitors

Clarifying

(Golden Nugget) Clarifying is perhaps one of the best ways to master communication. Because it is our objective to achieve a goal and generate trust, we must understand what the other person’s goal is. Clarifying is asking questions to gain a better understanding of their goal. If the picture isnt totally clear, you can clarify until it becomes so. Ask questions about background, circumstances, supportive details or anything else that you feel would assist you in understanding what they are trying to explain.

Expressing

Again, because it is our objective to achieve a goal and generate trust, we should keep this in mind when exercising our expression skills. There are 4 different parts of expression: you can express your observations, thoughts, feelings and needs. When used correctly, each of these parts can give us the capability to communicate exactly what we want to in a positive and trust generating manner.

Observations

Observations are what your senses tell you. They are the facts. Simply put we eliminate speculation, inferences, and conclusions. We are stating something that we have heard, seen, experienced or otherwise observed. An example of this can be: “We are late to the meeting.”

Thoughts

Thoughts are the judgments and conclusions that you have drawn from the observations. They are your attempt to describe the why and how of an event. You are using beliefs, opinions, theory and values to explain a conclusion. We should share our thoughts with respect and clarity with our minds eye focusing on reaching the goal and building trust. An example of this can be: “It seems like the managers have a lot of meetings, they are probably very busy.”

Feelings

How you feel is part of what makes you you. Shared feelings can often allow us to see more clearly what each person is trying to convey. When a person shares feelings this builds relationships and conveys trust. By allowing others to know what makes us happy, sad, frustrated or frightened, they can empathize and understand what we are trying to convey better. An example of this can be: “When I speak in front of people I get butterflies in my stomach and get really anxious.”

Needs

No one knows what your needs are other than you. No one can read your mind or guess what your needs are. In order to have close relationships it is necessary to express our needs. Needs are non-judgmental. These are statements about things that help or please you. An example of this can be: “I am so tired, I sure could use a hot bath”

Looking at these different parts of expression allows us to define what we are doing when communicating. When we are able to think things out in our minds and see from an active standpoint what tools we are using, we can better formulate and process better messages to send.

One of my favorite stories is about a detective named Sherlock Holmes. It is interesting to see the way he solves his mysteries. “Just using the facts” he can think under the most strenuous circumstances and can reason through and solve almost any problem. It is the same with us in our interpersonal communication model, as we learn to use the facts to reach the goal and build trust we become better communicators.